November 14, 2010

Wisdom from Carrie's Mom

For full post go click here. (This date is not accurate. I just put it here to tuck it away so I could link it.)

Carrie:

I'd send this to Sister Oaks or Sister Dew along with a letter from yourself describing your path and how this makes you feel. See what they have to say, really. I'll bet both of them, Sister Oaks with her eternal companion, and Sister Dew still waiting for hers, will shout that it was and is worth it. I'll bet that Sister Dew will repeat what she has often testified to--that it all has "sealed my heart to His", that the Savior is nearer and dearer with each day or year that may pass. I'll bet that both of them will tell you of assurances that came over and over in the Temples of the Lord, where He walks the halls, that their lives were acceptable to Him and therefore their serenity swelled and gratitude deepened. I'd bet that they'd tell you, too, that all their lives because of being given a Gospel heritage and worthy parents they, as Sister Hardy, had "felt secure, fulfilled, purposeful and connected." And because of that they gave back in gratitude to Father who had cradled them all their lives through doing everything they could to "lift up the hands that hang down". I'd bet they'd tell you that with head into the wind and gritted teeth there were many days that they'd started the day with a lump in their throats and ended it with tears in their pillows. I'd bet they'd tell you in addition how they learned on those kinds of days that "I the Lord do visit my people in their afflictions" and the visit had been very sweet, never to be forgotten or denied.

But, who knows, perhaps they'd tell you that they, too, chose lesbian friends and went with them to sex toy stores and sought open acts of rebellion like viewing dirty movies, and fantasized over alley way sexual experiences. Oh, and don't forget feeling "loved and touched" in rooms that were so unholy as to be death chambers for millions of babies every year. I sat there once not realizing where I was thinking I'd just found a clinic that offered free pregnancy tests. I remember the feeling of the place. For me it was an indefinable feeling of sadness that abode there. I walked out, despite the surroundings, with the amazing knowledge that I had a child on the way and I kept him--for eternity. Perhaps Sister Oaks and Sister Dew had sat there, too, and then turned and walked out at the last minute. Let's not be so dishonest as to say that these thoughts never cross our minds. Satan and all of our disembodied sisters who will never know any kind of touch make sure that those thoughts cross our minds. They, too, dwell among us and their whisperings can come like a roar at times. They make sure that we doubt the Lord's promises and forget that His promises are sure and that time is an utter illusion. But, I don't know what Sister Dew and Sister Oaks would say. I was never in my 50's still wondering if I'd ever know physical sexual intimacy in this life.

But, here's what I CAN say...if I'd had to wait until the next life for Heavenly Father to put Dad's hand in mine, it would have been worth it. If I'd had to wait until the next life to receive a beautiful, worthy, laughter, light and compassion-filled daughter named Carrie (named after a beautiful, worthy, laughter, light and compassion-filled sweet grandmother who she'll, because of her faithfulness, joyfully associate with one day), and who would now be mine for eternity, it would have been worth it. It's not the waiting, it's the believing that's difficult. For a young woman to believe that she is owed a physically intimate, though transient, relationship in this life and that if this is not given her sense of timing must be superior to her Father in Heaven's is the loneliest thing I've ever heard of. For a young woman to continue to believe that she is known of her Father, that her life is "fashioned for feeding" and that she, indeed, no matter the role she has been given, is "set in a hungry land" and by feeding and nurturing all her life she is destined for knowledge beyond all her current imaginations, love beyond all she now dreams, peace above all she can comprehend today, THAT is a beautiful thing and THAT is worth waiting for, no matter what.

Let's pray for Sister Hardy and the Sister Hardys out there. We knew, though we didn't know the reason for it, that in the last days the scripture scenario of one man to seven women could be figurative. We so hoped that it would not be literal. But, here we are, each sister in her life, each sister having to find her footing every day by holding Father's hand, each sister having to choose trust or letting doubt run away with one's sacred promises. I prefer to "stand on the promises". Show me an unworthy man who would offer me temporary association and supposed intimacy in exchange for those promises and I'd be more than crazy to go for it. Because, you see, the promises are not empty. They are real. They are on the way. It is not "blind obedience but FAITH obedience in a Father who has never let us down" that keeps us believing and hoping and serving and living---vibrantly.

One final thought, believe the old women. Believe those who've lived it. Find me a 75-year old former member of the church that had a few sexual flings so that she could say that she had "felt a man's hands on (her) before she died" and find me one that is serene and filled with peace and anticipation at meeting Father and, don't forget, Mother again. Find me one that has only joy at knowing she'd lived it well and that she'd acted as "a Child of God, no matter what". Find me one that can genuinely say that she'd come to know that it had never been about her in the first place but about the Savior of the World, and now she was ready to meet him and fall at His feet overcome with gratitude. Find me one of those and I think this Sister Hardy has a case. I prefer to have my vision corrected by women who've lived, and yet live, their lives with hope and have turned their hearts outwardly to others, forgetting themselves. This article was written by a young woman, may God give her the growth and path that she needs. She does not understand that there could be things more terrifying than loneliness---like having a house full of children whom you wonder if you've damaged for eternity, like wondering if you're so broken that you've done irreparable harm. Better alone and lonely than at the head of a small army that you've just led over a cliff--or so Satan likes to shape our thoughts. She's forgetting that she will never know loneliness like our sweet and incomparable Savior knew loneliness--and for US! How could we even dream of letting Him down?

Nothing sweet is ever lost for good nor is it denied forever. "Joy as exquisite as was my pain" is the promise. I have seen the promises of the Lord fulfilled in my life, the pain taken away, peace and joy come more fully than I could have ever hoped for given the circumstances I was placed in and that I chose for myself. I have full faith in my frequently temple-offered, and everyday-given prayers that I will know beautiful little grandchildren who are the delightful image of their magnificent mother, Carrie. And that is worth waiting for. There are wonders ahead! Though not truly "old" but beginning to taste of it, I am at peace.

I love you very much,
xoMom

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